Regrets – Chloe Fox
Kylie Scott
I know what you’re thinking. How’s this schmo going to help me with my love life. Well, Steve, we’re getting there. I’ve lived on this giant, flat rock we call Earth for 25 years now. In that time, I’ve had a whole seven and a half very successful relationships—and I dumped all but six of them. I’m quite the ladies’ man. Some guys are professional golfers or tech whizzes. Picking up girls is my thing, so naturally I make the list for the World’s Greatest Wingmen. Men really do have it hard nowadays, but with my tried-and-true advice, you’ll land any girl you want in no time.
Phase 1: The Pickup
Situating yourself in a place that’s rampant with women is a key first step. Single women are preferable, but let’s be honest, a glorified rock on her left hand can’t possibly deem a hottie “off limits.” Not even a business meeting or a children’s birthday party should stop you from getting your flirt on. If you’re more of an amateur though, locate a packed bar near you, and start your journey there. As you scope the venue, beware of women over 5’6” wearing heels, because they won’t appreciate your male dominance. Instead, seek out the shortest, ditziest woman in sight.
Approach while she’s wrapping a strand of hair around her finger and gabbing to her friends about some chick named “Raaechulllll” or “Aahmahda” in that brassy voice of hers. Plant yourself next to her, leaving not even enough room for the Holy Spirit to shimmy in between you two. A sexy stranger breathing right down her neck is everything she needs in life. If she can’t smell your Axe body spray (which I guess is woke now because they have an “anarchy for her” scent), you’re off to a bad start, bud. Tell her how hot she is, but also make more specific comments about her body so she knows you’re checking her out. For instance, telling her that she could do with just a liiiittle less lip filler or two pumps less saline in those breast implants lets her know that you’re examining every inch of her. If you’re feeling more creative, tell her that she’d kill at bumper cars with those wide hips and thick thighs. Comparing women’s bodies to physical objects or modes of transportation never fails. Some women might then claim that they’re “not looking for a relationship right now” or “aren’t into guys.” A real man knows that these responses are simply stupid cop-outs that don’t mean anything. But if you’re too pissed off or if that’s a turn-off for you, ditch her and find someone else who’s less of a coward.
Once you’re back on track, order her the cheapest drink you can find as a nice gesture, but not too nice of a gesture (she won’t know the difference anyway). If at any time there is a halt on the conversation, take that as a cue for your long-winded rant about your incompetent co-worker who you taught how to use the printer. It’ll fly right over her hollow head, but you’ll feel better; she’ll feel grateful that you felt comfortable opening up to her about such a vulnerable topic. Soon enough, she’ll launch into her own story about her friend’s bachelorette party antics—apparently that’s all she has in life. Little does she know, she set you up for the move of all moves. Wait for the perfect moment when she tilts her head back laughing at some stupid “joke” she makes about a sleazy Vegas cabbie, then laugh so passionately that your arm comes flying up at her. She’ll fall halfway in love with you because of validation of her humor. You get bonus points if that drink goes flying all over her. I’ve spent years perfecting this. If you get that lucky, there’s no need for an apology. Instead, grab one of those tiny bar napkins and try sopping some of it up, both of you well-aware that it’s not doing bupkis for that stain. At the very least, now you can enjoy the process as much as you like without her thinking you’re a creep. She’ll appreciate the gesture, and you’ll appreciate the view. Take advantage of this moment where she can’t wait to see you again and arrange for dinner soon. Now the real fun begins.
Phase 2: Dinner Date
Always shave right before her arrival with your lucky razor you got in junior high (make sure you are up to date on your tetanus vaccines though). Leave a thin layer of the scruffiest, stabbiest hair on your face so that your makeout sessions will leave her feeling exfoliated like never before. In choosing your outfit, go for something marginally elevated, but still Sexiest Man of the Year material (watch out Jacob Elordi). Collared shirts can go both ways, so make sure she’s impressed by popping the collar and leaving the top half unbuttoned so she can’t help but stare at your manly forest of hair all night. Bonus points if you add a pair of gas station sunglasses on the back of your head so that no matter where you’re facing, she always feels seen. Use this as an opportunity to treat yourself to an upscale establishment, but make it extremely clear that you are to thank for discovering it. Your Instagram followers will eat up your post about it when they see your arm candy, though.
Always be the designated (not-so-sober) driver because it opens the window for endless opportunities. Maintain a speed of at least 20 mph over the speed limit at all times. You might worry about running out of conversation topics before you even get there, but I’ve got an insider trick for you. Try opening all the windows and then pretending they malfunctioned and won’t shut (her side should be child-locked anyway). That way, if she tries saying something to you, you can just scream “IIII CAANNTT HEARR YOUUUU” and focus on more important things, like turning the car stereo up to 100 so the entire highway can marvel at your superior music taste (which consists of R. Kelly 24/7). If she sees you focusing too hard on the road, she’ll think you’re either blind or thick-headed, so you might as well check your Tinder messages while you’re at it.
As you enter the restaurant, never let her open the door or pull the chair out for herself. She’s too frail for that and will appreciate your zeal. She’ll want to make a beeline to the bathroom and fix her hair for thirty minutes because the wind “messed it up” on the ride over. Hell. No. She may be half your age, but she’s not a child. I’ve seen a lot of girls like this, and all they need is a little push in the right direction away from self-obsession. You throw a fit if you have to so she doesn’t keep you waiting for the quality time together you are owed after giving her a free ride over. Do her a favor and order for the both of you, as well. Since you’ve been to the restaurant before, you’re the boss here. It will also save her from immediately having a panic attack over whether she wants her water still or sparkling. The rest of the date will go by in a breeze, as long as you remember these key points:
- Always have that extra glass of alcohol so that she doesn’t take you for a wuss.
- Act dismissive towards any female waitresses so she knows that you have higher standards than that. You don’t owe those women anything.
- If at any point she starts acting crazy for no reason, she’s clearly on her period. Don’t fret. Shark week is a tough time for us guys out there, but you’ll get through it. Perhaps suggest she takes an ice bath when she gets home. It should clear up quickly after that.
- Let her pay. God forbid you even brought your wallet with you in the first place. She will be so impressed that you recognize the legitimacy of her female income that she won’t even notice how you ordered a $100 steak you couldn’t even pronounce the name of. I wouldn’t be caught dead calling myself a “feminist,” but this ultimate display of chivalry will leave her feeling like you’d be right there next to her at the next women’s march.
Phase 3: The Road Ahead Some good, old-fashioned seduction later, and you’re well on your way, old sport. Notifications from your lady start blowing up your phone, and you wonder what’s next? Well, I’m afraid you’re on your own now, kid. There comes a time in every man’s life where he must break free from his nest and soar. Never forget that rejection just means she needs an extra few hours to fall completely in love with you. Real men never stop trying.