Hiring a Psychic To Write Fortune Cookies Was Probably A Mistake, In Retrospect

Posted on May 10, 2021 by

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Knowledge – Bailey Foster
Arden Henley

Dear Mr. Johnson and Board of Directors,

I am writing to you today because a number of restaurants across the country have filed complaints about our most recent fortune cookie shipments. Specifically, the messages printed on the slips of paper inside the cookies, many of which were written by our newest hire, one Ms. Grismelda Vandersmitch, were considered quite alarming. In her interview, Ms. Vandersmitch claimed to be a practicing psychic, something we did not take seriously until several restaurants sent us her messages. I have sampled a few below.

  1. Whatever it is you’re running away from, run faster.
  2. Good fortune awaits you. At least, it disguises itself as good fortune.
  3. Never leave a friend behind. Unless that friend’s name is Barry.
  4. Love waits in the most unexpected places, if one only knows where to look. Avoid root vegetables.
  5. There is no origin point. You are not from Chicago. No one is from Chicago. Chicago is elsewhere now.
  6. The old man outside your apartment building speaks the Truth.
  7. She does not sell seashells by the seashore. She sells something much, much scarier.
  8. The one-eyed, one-horned flying purple people-eater knows where you live. And it’s hungry.
  9. Ignore the advice you’ve been given. Leave the cannoli. Don’t make eye contact with the cannoli. The cannoli is more powerful than you realize.
  10. It is raining. Look again.
  11. The creature that lives in your shower drain is displeased with your new shampoo. Appease him now or regret it for eternity.
  12. It Is Happening Again. It Is Happening Again. It Is Happening Again. It Is Happening Again. It Is Happening Again. It Is Happening Again. It Is Happening Again. It Is Happening Again.
  13. Thank you! Come again soon. 🙂

Ms. Vandersmitch’s work reflects poorly on this company, and I would like to have this issue addressed before the restaurants riot and/or Ms. Vandersmitch takes detrimental psychic action against this company. Whichever happens first. 

Best wishes,

Category: Prose, Spring '21 (vol. XXIX), Writing