List or Exorcist

Arden Henley

NOTE: The following is a transcript of season 211, episode 4 of the hit HGTV show List or Exorcist? The season was taped shortly before both Kelly and Dan disappeared under mysterious circumstances from a house in Atlanta.

(KellyJo and Dan stand on the sidewalk of a suburban neighborhood, close enough together that we think they’re married, but far enough away from each other that we suspect they might be having problems.)

KellyJo: Welcome to List or Exorcist, a show where we flip and resell haunted, possessed, and demonic houses. I’m Kelly Joan David Foster Wallace Daumier.

Dan: And I’m Dan.

KellyJo: And today we’re going to renovate this three-story beauty in Savannah’s Olde District.

(KellyJo and Dan walk up to the front door of the house, which opens itself. A noose drops down from the ceiling, and the walls begin to ooze blood.)

KellyJo (cont.): Wow. Look at these high ceilings.

Dan: The pipes need a little work.

KellyJo: Why don’t you get your team of white guys with one token white woman, and I’ll go see an interior designer who looks uncomfortable and agrees with everything I say, and we’ll get started!

(Several aerial shots of Savannah. A time lapse of the house overnight, during which time a pale face can be seen in the upstairs window, staring down at the camera. Cut to KellyJo walking into the torn-up foyer, where Dan is standing with his hands on his hips.)

KellyJo (cont.): This place looks amazing!

Dan: Hey KellyJo, look at this. I found out what was wrong with the pipes. A decomposing corpse had been built into the drywall!

KellyJo: Great! That puts us back under budget.

(Montage of before and after photos of the house. This accompanies KellyJo’s voiceover.)

KellyJo (VO): After a few days of carpeting the upstairs to cover the bloodstains, moving the failed science experiments out of the basement, and selling the collection of dolls in the attic, our house was ready to go on the market. It sold for $666,000, and a family of four who had moved across the country for their dad’s job bought it. They moved out again two months later after a series of paranormal encounters.

(Cut to KellyJo and Dan standing in a green space presumably somewhere in Savannah.)

Dan: Well, KellyJo, was this house a List or an Exorcist?

KellyJo: Since we have legal coverage and plausible deniability, it was a List!

(They high-five. Roll credits.)