Bulk is Better
Orange Dreamsicle – Chloe Fox
Sanya Firozvi
Have you ever noticed that there is a large percentage of shoppers at Costco who are dads? Well that’s because of the phenomenon I call “Costco Dad.” First of all, Costco dads are fearless and proud of who they are. They are proud of the 50 percent off discount on jeans that they found, their gold star Costco card, and their Costco loyalty member bumper sticker. Without Costco dads, our economy and society would fall apart. Costco dads are ready for an apocalypse at any moment because Costco sells items in bulk, and they’re ready to protect their cart at any given moment–to make sure that no one takes their beloved, discounted Keurig coffee machine.
When entering the world’s largest parking lot, the Costco dad’s brain chemistry alters into its primitive state. He searches for the closest parking spot, and parks extremely aggressively into a space. Sometimes you must exit the car from the trunk because he parks so close. Be careful because the parking lot is intense. Some people don’t look and back up right into you (I say this from personal experience), and Costco dads are ready to pounce on the unattentive driver. Costco dads make sure that their local Costco is safe, so that they can bring their family. Without your family, then you’re just a Costco guy. And that’s boring.
Remember Costco dad’s spiel about how “it’ll only take twenty minutes” is absolute bull; it’ll take at least two hours. You are confronted with big deals ranging from name brands like Hunter boots, snacks like bark thins, and even a dyson hair dryer. At this point in the Costco trip, the Costco dad is getting tons of dopamine into their system because of the amazing deals that are being presented. Imagine getting a 200 dollar hair dryer (that’s absurd) for 90 dollars (that’s a steal). Costco dads have more photos of Costco deals than they have of their family in their camera roll. Costco dads always send a text with the photo of the discounts they find captioned with, “Look at these great deals, only here at Costco” which is followed up with an awkward emoji.
After finally leaving the entrance of the store, there’s absolute chaos. It’s not like Black Friday where people are attacking each other; the average Costco dad is actually pretty civilized, but there are many people at Costco on a Sunday morning who want to find good deals. The book section is near the entrance. Every Costco dad has Goodreads downloaded on their phone, so every time we enter Costco, my dad checks his reading list to see if he needs any more new books to meet his Goodreads goal. The books range from classics like Animal Farm to The Hunger Games.
Right next to the books are the clothes, and if you want to be a Costco dad you need to have the Big Three: jeans, jackets, and swimsuits. Costco jeans are high quality and always on sale, so it’s essential to wear your Costco jeans to your trips too. Secondly, Costco has a great selection of fleeces, sweatshirts, and jackets. Just imagine pulling up to your nine-to-five and repping Costco–everyone at work will be jealous of you. They can’t fathom the grand deal that you just scored on your fleece. Originally at Patagonia, it would be 100 dollars, but at Costco it’s 50! Lastly, the Costco swimsuits are essential to having the best summer. Every Costco dad has the iconic sapphire blue swim trunks with a subtle floral print. When summer starts, every Costco dad starts with a big splash! Costco dads love the lake and driving boats with their knockoff Yeti cup (which of course is from Costco).
In the summer, at work, and practically anywhere they go, Costco dads need a good Kirkland snack. There are crepes in bags, peanut butter crackers, Nature Valley granola bars, and Kirkland Signature protein bars. He knows what he likes because he’s already tried it from the sample section. Costco dads all know the sample employees to the point where they know each other’s first names and check in on each other. And Costco dads are not afraid of asking for seconds or thirds. Costco dads buy everything in bulk, filling their cart like there’s an apocalypse next week. There’s a sixty count egg crate, three pounds of peanut butter bin, and the best of all the six-pound mac n cheese bucket. There’s always the leftover cardboard bins from the bulky products, collecting dust in your garage, hoping one day the boxes will be reused.
Costco dads also have a lot of patience, which is surprising, but it makes sense (not including the parking lot). They wait in a long line to checkout and then an even longer line leaving the store. The line goes on for miles, Costco dads could run a marathon for the time it takes to get out. The only day they’re not patient is the huge Black Friday Costco deal, but who is on Black Friday?
Outside of the store, Costco dads are supportive parents. They attend some of their kid’s sports games, but they are not soccer dads. They also plan great trips from the trip deals they get through the Costco travel agency. Costco dads will always share their superior snacks with everyone (even their work enemies).
At the end of the weekly Costco trip, you’ll feel closer with your dad and one day, you’ll take it for granted. Some of the best memories are made in Costco, whether it’s seeing the joy and a single tear shed from your dad’s face because he found the best deal, 75 percent off of a paddle board at Costco (and now he can brag about it on Facebook). Or maybe it’s trying the best sample with him and finding your love for toaster strudel, but there’s never been a boring trip. So next time your dad asks you if you want to go to Costco–go! You won’t regret it.